Parenting Pitfalls

These things that I'll talk about are some things that I've learned, and am trying to unlearn, from the generations that came before us. Our culture has taught us, quite wrongly at times, ways of discipline that, while maybe immediately effective, generally produce no long-term heart change within a child. As parents, and especially fathers, we must struggle to maintain a correct attitude. How does our Father treat us when we disobey? How can we, I, make the best decisions when disciplining our, my, children. I will use masculine pronouns when referring to a singular parent or child. If you think it's sexist, then you have a problem.

1. I'm Bigger Than You
This style is generally undertaken by fathers, who, when repeatedly bombarded with whiny, willfully disobedient children, threaten the child into capitulating. Notice that I didn't say obeying, because true obedience is doing the right thing at the right time with the right motive. This isn't acquiescence or placation. Typically the child does what he is supposed to do because of a fear of punishment, not because it's the right thing to do.

2. The Escalator
This type tends to fall hand-in-hand with I'm Bigger Than You, but often precedes it. Usually this tactic is implemented when one, or many, calm overtures are made to encourage the child to obey. At first, it probably will be many, but as time goes on, in a long car ride perhaps, these pleas become fewer and farther between. You try to stay calm at first, but doggone it, that kid will not obey. And as time elapses, the disobedience becomes louder and/or encompasses more things. So you getting louder. And it goes back and forth until one of the parties gives up. The main problem with this pitfall is that once you get to a certain point, what used to be loud, is no longer such, but normal. Therefore, to get the same effect, you have to get louder and louder until you have no effect at all, except to deafen ears.

3. Let Them Be Kids (a.k.a. Let's Just Be Friends)
'He's just a kid.' 'Aw, he didn't mean to hurt nobody.' Well, actually, he did and it's up to him to restore the relationship/toy/valuable. This is especially dangerous because it's no discipline at all. The parent is so worried about not wanting to offend the child, or wanting his child to "like" him, he doesn't concern himself with the aftermath, namely the destructive force his child will become as he nears adulthood. This parent typically does not tell the child no or make him take responsibility for his actions. This is most grievous since as an adult you are legally responsible for your actions. Now, thanks to the ACLU and other litigious persons, one can go out of his way to be stupid or malevolent and get the benefit of other irresponsible jurors like himself to award him millions of dollars. They should be shot and hanged shortly after him. This tendency absolutely disgusts me. It sets an ugly precedent and leads down a very slippery slope. You can blame these people for all the rising healthcare costs and good doctors going out of business because their insurance premiums are sky-high. Getting back to the original point, in the end this parent is not a friend, but a joke. The kid knows when he says jump, dad will ask how high. Wanting "what's best" for junior isn't good for anyone, let alone best. A lifetime of crime or failed jobs/relationships may await his child because he doesn't know how to take 'no' for an answer. Or he cannot work within the boundaries set before him in the "real world".

4. The Absentee
This is akin to Let's Just Be Friends, but is more insidious because, although the parent is physically in the picture, he is mentally checked out. He knows his child should take responsibility for his actions, but hey, he just got home from a long day at work and doesn't really feel like being bothered. I mean, isn't that why mom stays home all day? I'm here to bring home the bacon, mow the lawn, take out the trash and try not to make too much of a mess as to be a nuisance to mom. This parent doesn't make excuses for the child. He ignores the child. And you have a young man desperately trying to please his father. The fortunate realize what's going on with the old man. The unfortunate try Solomon's route of women, spirituality and Mammon. Others try the Hank route--Jr. or Sr., take your pick--and turn to the bottle or drugs. Some end up so depressed they commit suicide.

5. My Baby
This parent doesn't know when to let go and is a distant cousin of Let's Just Be Friends. Instead of letting the child make mistakes and experience the consequences, this parent tries to shield the child. This can take the form of simply not letting the kid do/see/listen to anything that can "harm" him or not giving him opportunities to grow by making his own decisions. While well-meaning, this parent inhibits the life experiences that might have made his child better suited for marriage/fatherhood/corporate world. This pitfall fosters resentment between parent and child.

6. One Size Fits All
Unfortunately, no it doesn't. You can have four children and they all have different temperaments. While one child may only need a stern word, another will need a spanking to reinforce the rule. Still another might need several spankings an hour because he is so strong-willed, and like Ol' Blue Eyes, he'll do it his way. Don't foist one parenting style on all your children because chances are it will only be effective on one. And possibly, what worked for Johnny yesterday might not work in a few days/weeks/years.

7. The Busy Bee
Most parents want their children to do well at something. However, in the quest to find out what that something is, they're too busy hauling the kids to and from school, band practice, and soccer practice to actually develop relationships with them. Doubly doomed is the child with parents from East Asia, where the pressure is on to have kids in school on Saturdays learning a language and the violin/piano. These children aren't so much kids as employees. The extreme cases turn into vicarious living. The other side to this coin is the dad that is too busy at work to spend time with his kids. Just listen to Henry Chapin's song Cat's in the Cradle.

Now, don't be fooled. One can be all of these for long periods of time or even short stints. It is something that all parents, dads and moms, will struggle with throughout their parenting lives.

Moreover, don't be fooled. While these behaviors promote mimicry or extremism in many cases, children are resilient and can excel despite the parenting model shown them. Oftentimes there will be one parent, or a mentor, that can provide guidance to the young person on how to appropriately parent.

So what?

How can we avoid/curtail these behaviors as parents? Here are some suggestions. Caveat: I'm not particularly good at these things all the time. That huge sucking sound you just heard was the millions of people who don't read my blog simultaneously gasping in dumbfoundedness. Yeah, I like that word. Just made it up.

1. Pray
It sounds simple enough, but when practiced without ceasing, can yield a more gentle, quite spirit. This is especially important to begin your day with. This will set the tone for the day. It prepares you for the possible struggle ahead and helps you focus on the Source of your strength.

2. Read The Word
Read it topically. Read it straight through. Read it chronologically. Read it for the Names of God. Read it for the promises. Read it for its historicity. Just read it! If you have a commitment to His Word, He will be faithful to show you truth. (Note: I'm not talking about truths as in finding what's true for you, but absolute Truth, because it's true for everyone.)

3. Got Friends?
It may come as a complete shock to you, but you are not the only one going through your situation. Chances are their are couples around you fighting the same battles you are. Use them to your advantage. Pray together. Weep together. Have fun together. If you don't get out, you'll go out of your melon.

4. Focus On Your Marriage
Men, do yourselves a favor and make sure your wife has "adult time" with other women. Whether it's watching the kids for the night or at a party. Your gray hairs are an investment in her joy and sanity. This also takes the form of discussing parenting styles. This can happen before the kids arrive, but the refining fire of parenting will fine-tune your skills. This also means not disagreeing/fighting in front of the kids. If you don't agree with your spouse on an issue, defer to her in the moment, then go and talk about it later. Chances are you misunderstood because you missed something or were too fed up to think straight.

5. Study Your Children
If you make a habit of knowing your kid, you will become an expert and understand what makes him tick and what will truly motivate him to obey. It can be an encouraging word. Whatever it is, do it and do it often to show him that you care about him enough to know him. Remember that mistakes will happen, but can be a learning tool to give you insight into your child.

6. XXXOOO
Be generous with your hugs and kisses. You simply cannot give these out enough.

7. Stop
Instead of shuttling your kids between different activities, pare it down to one thing a semester. If you find you don't have enough time with your children after that, cut out some TV. I know this anecdote has been said many, many times, but it bears repeating: No father on his deathbed ever wished he had spent more time at work/with his buddies.

By no means am I an expert at this parenting thing. These are just some things I've learned along the way, and some are wisdom handed down from those who have gone before.

Hang in there. Remember that it might just be a phase, and that phase won't last. You aren't the only one. And even if you're the perfect parent, your kid can still turn out "wrong". So don't beat yourself up.