American Idol Results Show

Last night on American Idol, Paula Abdul was voted off. A stunned Paula Abdul lashed out at the voting public "I just renewed my contract. You can't vote me off!" Ryan Seacrest asked fellow judges Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson what Paula could take away from her time on the show to help her in the future.

Randy said "You know, it was just a'ight for me. I wasn't really feeling it this season. I think she found her niche with all the complimenting. Maybe having actual thoughts isn't what she's best at. I think she should try motivational speaking."

Simon replied "I thought her judging this season has been rather cabaret. She had a strong show in week two of the finals when she actually gave a relevant opinion based on the singing. I think going forward she needs to stop focusing on the contestants' appearance and more on their vocals."

Producer Simon Fuller was seen backstage giving high-fives to everyone he saw. He gave an extended hug to a surprised key grip. Asked to explain his jubilation, Fuller gave the following press release, including a job posting:

Dear Idol fans,

Although we were given only six-and-a-half years of Paula's presence on Idol, it felt so much longer. She was a key third member of our judging panel and provided an uplifting spirit to help our contestants feel good about themselves even when they performed poorly. In lieu of flowers, please feel free to buy a Ford, a Coca-Cola product or donate to Idol Gives Back.

In the spirit of Idol Gives Back, we are sending Paula to Ethiopia for what would have been the remainder of her contract with Fox.

Consequently, we are in need of an analyst to join Simon and Randy. The successful candidate must have a mind of her own, be able to form a cogent analysis of the performances, and have a stylist with a sense of current fashion trends (Note: No bangs allowed). Experience feigning romantic tension a plus.

Sincerely,

Simon Fuller

(Sigh) If only that were true.